After an unspeakable crime, Hannah’s done being the quiet girl who never makes waves. But reinventing herself comes with a steep price…

Hannah tries to be the ultimate good girl, but it’s all a lie. Terrified of being bipolar like her mom, she makes sure to take all the hardest classes, become a community service leader, and most of all, never, ever stand up to anyone who doesn’t approve of her.

But that all changes with one decision, one broken rule, and one spiked drink that steals her memory and shatters her innocence.

Now her life’s splintered into before and after. And after the party, Hannah’s changed. She won’t stay away from Brad, the ex-stoner with a painful past of his own, no matter what her friends think. She won’t let them call her Mouse anymore. And she won’t stay silent about what happened, no matter who pressures her to keep her mouth shut.

Suddenly, her best friends become her worst enemies, forcing her to make a choice, and she must not only find a way to put the pieces of her life back together but figure out where she belongs now.

CHAPTER FOUR – The So-Called SAFE Room

“YOU DON’T HAVE to wait with me,” Hannah told Sierra while they were in the waiting room. She’d just given Dylan her forms to hand into the intake person so that she wouldn’t have to deal with her, and now it was a matter of getting called back to see the doctor. “You guys got me to the hospital. You don’t have to waste your whole Saturday morning on this.”

“I’m your best friend,” Sierra said. “Of course I’m waiting for you.” She fidgeted with her hair. “L-look what happened to you cause of . . .  ”

“We don’t know anything happened. Besides, I told you, I wanted to go to the stupid party.”

“The only thing you wanted was to watch my back and we both know it. You could have been having the time of your life with Brad, and instead, your first time was with some drunk loser you didn’t want touching you.”

Hannah stiffened. Just then, Dylan came back and she said to him, “What did you tell her?”

“He didn’t,” Sierra said. “I figured it out. That’s all. The bruises on your neck make it obvious. Remind me to show you how to cover those with makeup, by the way. The last thing you need is your parents asking questions.”

“I don’t know. It seems like lying.” Hannah touched one of the bruises, gingerly. If her parents saw them, she’d probably be grounded for the rest of the school year for making the kinds of stupid choices Mom had warned her over and over she’d better not make. “But maybe just this once.”

Sierra shrugged. “What your parents don’t know won’t hurt them.” She glanced at Dylan, who was frowning. “What? It’s not like you’re not covering with ours for me.”

“I know.” Dylan sighed. “It’s just, you sure your parents wouldn’t understand if they knew that some guy – “

“We don’t know how far he went yet!” Hannah snapped even though she was getting surer by the second that whatever asshole had done this to her hadn’t stopped at her neck and chest. “And no, they wouldn’t. If they knew I went to a party like that they’d be more disappointed in me than they’ve ever been in my life.”

“Or,” Dylan said, “they might be mad that someone did this to you and give you a ton of support.”

“Don’t be an asshole,” Sierra said. “When you tell Mom and Dad you’re gay, you can talk about other people telling their parents stuff. ’Til then, leave Hannah alone.”

Hannah wanted to yell at the top of her lungs that she was capable of talking for herself, but instead, she said, quietly, “Dylan’s just trying to help.”

“Yeah, well, he’s doing the opposite,” Sierra said.

“He did us a favor. He got us home safe from the stupid party. So, leave him alone.”

The door to the exam rooms opened and a nurse called, “Hannah Kollman.”

Sierra started to stand up when Hannah did, but Hannah said, “They called me, not you.”

“I can tell them how you were last night. You don’t remember, how can you . . .”

“If they want to know, they’ll call you in. I’ll be fine.”

Sierra looked away from Hannah. She fiddled with one of her braids. “Okay, Mouse. If that’s how you want it.” 

Hannah felt bad about hurting Sierra’s feelings, but she swallowed hard and made herself follow the nurse anyway. This was something she had to do by herself, and Sierra needed to understand that.

Her anger melted into anxiety as the nurse took her down a hallway. She hoped she wouldn’t be dumped in a room full of people. The ERs in Florida were like that, or at least Mom said so after that time she’d come out of the hospital. She said there were two dozen patients in one room separated only by curtains and you could hear what the doctors were saying to everyone else. But that was a long time ago and in another state. Maybe New York ERs weren’t like that, if Mom had even been telling the truth and not exaggerating to make an impression.

The nurse took Hannah to a small room. The door had the words “SAFE Room” marked on it in tiny white letters with a black background, so small it was like reading a whisper. The nurse let her in, and she looked around, surprised that the so-called safe room didn’t look any different than the examining room at her regular doctor’s.

“Have a seat if you’d like,” the nurse said. Hannah’s eyes darted back and forth between a small chair and the edge of the exam table. She decided on the exam table since she was sure she’d have to be examined eventually and sat there, taking in the nurse with her eyes. The woman was white with dark hair like Hannah’s, but she had a pixie cut instead of dark curls bouncing off her shoulders. It looked good on her even though she was Mom’s age or older. Her eyes were blue, but they went with her hair well. Hannah wondered if that was her natural color but didn’t want to be rude by asking, so instead, she traced the letters on the woman’s lab coat with her eyes, over and over: E Keller, ANP.

“Let me introduce myself,” E. Keller, ANP said, apparently oblivious to the fact that Hannah had already read her name off her coat. “My name is Elizabeth Keller. I’m a nurse practitioner that specializes in helping people who have been attacked in the way that you were attacked.”

Hannah nodded. Her mouth was dry, and she didn’t feel like talking anyway. 

“I’d say it was nice to meet you, but I know you’re here because of something terrible that happened that shouldn’t have,” E. Keller, ANP went on while Hannah argued with herself about whether she was supposed to call her by her first name or call her ANP Keller. “I’m going to begin by getting your medical history. Let’s start with your full name and date of birth.” Hannah gave those to her and answered her questions about childhood illnesses. There wasn’t much there since Hannah had never been hospitalized or had anything worse than chickenpox. 

Then ANP Keller asked about her family history. 

Hannah hugged herself tightly, pressing her arms against her already-too-tender-breasts. “My mom was hospitalized once when I was little, but I don’t want to talk about it.”

“That’s fine. And your dad?”

Hannah’s eyes darted all over the place. “I don’t know who he is.” She looked down at her beat-up sneakers. They were dirty and her laces were frayed. 

“I see,” ANP Keller said, and Hannah wasn’t sure whether she was judging her or not. “Have you ever experienced violence at home or in any relationship you’ve ever been in?” 

Hannah’s head jerked up. “Never.” 

She wasn’t sure that ANP Keller believed her, but she guessed she did because she just moved on to asking Hannah if she was sexually active.

Hannah blinked back tears. “I was. . . I mean, I AM. . . a virgin. I-I want. . . wanted. . . not ‘til college.”

ANP Keller made a note. “Later on, we’ll talk more extensively about your next steps, but I want you to know that there are counselors that can help you work through your feelings about what happened to you. In fact, we have social workers on staff here who can talk to you before you leave today.”

Hannah had a sudden flash of memory. Ambulance lights flashing in the window. Grandma holding six-year-old Hannah on her lap as Mama was loaded into an ambulance. Grandma telling her she couldn’t go to Mama now.

She blinked hard to get rid of the unwanted memory. “I don’t need to talk to anyone.”

ANP Keller frowned, but she said that was up to Hannah and asked her a few more questions, like the date of her last period and when the last time she’d seen a doctor was. Then she said, “Time to talk about the elephant in the room. I need to ask you about what happened to you. That’ll help me understand what medical treatment you need as well as provide a statement that we can share with the police if you choose to report the assault.”

Hannah hugged herself tighter. She’d never even thought about the cops being involved. If she told them, they’d probably want to talk to her parents. “I-I don’t know about the police.”

“That’s okay. We’ll hold onto whatever you give us, and if you decide later you want to make a complaint, you can give your consent for us to share it with them.” Hannah nodded again, and ANP Keller asked, gently, “Can you tell me what happened to you?”

“No. I. . . I don’t remember. . . ” Hannah stared at the ground. “I went to a party last night I had no business being at and. . . ” 

“That doesn’t make this attack your fault,” ANP Keller’s voice was too soft like she was afraid Hannah was going to shatter into a million pieces right in front of her if she talked like a normal person. Hannah glared at the floor, wanting to say that she wasn’t fragile but not sure ANP Keller would believe her because she was such a mess and not like herself at all. ANP Keller said, “Tell me the last thing you remember.”

Hannah rocked back and forth. “Video games with. . . um, I think his name was Jamie. I should have kissed him.” A tear rolled down her face. “I could smell beer on his breath.”

“Is he the boy who attacked you?”

“No! Maybe? He left. I think.” Hannah rocked back and forth some more. “Maybe I picked up the wrong cup?”

“Cup of what?”

“Tea. I mean, mine was.” Hannah hugged herself. “It was on the table and I downed it. Then. . . ” Hannah squeezed her eyes shut, trying hard to remember. “Then I was dizzy. I think. Dylan thought I was drunk.”

“Who’s Dylan?”

“Sierra’s brother. I woke up all sore, and I had to convince him I hadn’t been drinking and then he took me to the hospital.”

ANP Keller nodded as she wrote that down. “I need to ask you, were you drinking alcohol at all?”

“I just said I didn’t!” Hannah wasn’t sure she had, but whatever. “And anyway, I signed a pledge to be a sober role model, and I take it seriously.”

“It’s not an accusation. I promise. I just needed to know so I can evaluate your symptoms properly. I suspect from what you’re telling me that your attack was drug-facilitated, and if you’d been drinking the drugs would have affected you more seriously more quickly.”

“Drug-facilitated,” Hannah repeated. The words felt cold and hard to her. “Right. Well, I wasn’t drinking. Period.”

“I believe you.” ANP Keller wrote yet another note on her pad. “I can run blood and urine tests on you to try to catch exactly what’s in your system. But first, I want to take a look at your injuries. I’ll give you a sheet to cover yourself while you get undressed, and I’ll only look at what I need to look at. Is it okay with you if we do that?” Hannah’s ears were ringing as she nodded. “By the way,” ANP Keller went on, “are these the clothes you were wearing last night?”

“No. My, uh, my dress was torn so. . . .”

“That’s okay. You can always bring it to the police station should you decide to file a report. Just don’t wash it before you do. What about your underwear and socks?”

Hannah’s face felt so hot she thought she might be running a fever. “I didn’t change those.”

“Is it okay if we hold onto them? We can give you new ones.”

“Okay. . . ” Hannah felt dizzy. She lay back and let ANP Keller put a white sheet over her so she could get undressed. Her heart pounded and she wasn’t sure that it hadn’t skipped a beat as she peeled her clothes off. 

ANP Keller kept asking her if she could do stuff: look at her injuries, take photos, use a UV light to look for fluids the rapist might have left behind. Hannah only said ‘Yes’ because she was too exhausted to say ‘No’ but she felt more and more uncomfortable with every step.

Finally, ANP Keller promised this was the last thing. She let Hannah put on a hospital gown but told her to lie down again so that she could examine her vagina. ANP Keller said something about bruising and swelling down there and asked if she could take more photographs and also if she could put something called a speculum inside Hannah to see if she could extract DNA. 

Hell no! But Hannah wanted to do whatever the doctor thought she should, so she squeezed her eyes shut and held her breath.

But when ANP Keller put her instrument inside Hannah’s vagina, it hurt so bad she couldn’t stand it. “Stop. . . it hurts.”

“Okay,” ANP Keller said and withdrew the speculum. “It’s okay. We don’t have to. Let’s have you sit up and we’ll talk.”

Hannah nodded, ashamed of the tears in her eyes. 

ANP Keller adjusted the exam table so Hannah was sitting again. “There’s no question that your attack included sexual intercourse you couldn’t consent to. Your hymen is torn. There’s bruising and swelling around your genitals, and there’s a little bit of blood in your underwear that you probably didn’t even notice.”

“S-so I’m really not a virgin anymore.” Hannah’s voice was flat.

“I’m sorry. I can’t stress enough that it isn’t your fault. Someone drugged you—we’ll find out exactly what sedatives were used—and took away your ability to say ‘No’. Now, since your attack did include intercourse and we don’t know if he wore a condom or not, there’s a risk of pregnancy.”

“Pregnancy?” Hannah put her hand under her gown, feeling her stomach. “No. I can’t be. . . ”

“I’m not saying it’s definite, just that it’s possible. As I’m sure you know, unprotected heterosexual intercourse can lead to pregnancy, and the fact that you couldn’t and didn’t consent to it doesn’t change that. Now, there is a pill called Plan B we can give you that can help prevent it. Since it’s only been about twelve hours, the likelihood is very high that if you take this pill, it will stop an egg from fertilizing at all or implanting in your uterus if it has been fertilized. Is that something you want to do?”

Hannah nodded. Her mind was going fast–so fast she thought she was going crazy. If she got pregnant she’d be just like Mom, having a baby with some guy whose name she didn’t even know. Only Mom had been older, she’d met him in a bar or a hotel or something, and if it hadn’t been for that stupid one-night stand with a guy who didn’t even stay ’til morning, there’d have been no Hannah at all. And Hannah had been careful. She’d been so, so careful because she didn’t want to do the same stupid things Mom had. Until she’d decided to go to the party, she’d never done a single thing that could get her in trouble.

How could this be happening to her?

ANP Keller was still talking, saying something about needing to give Hannah a shot for Hepatitis B. Hannah wasn’t really listening, but she nodded anyway. She felt weird as she signed the consent forms like she was floating on the ceiling watching herself read over and sign them. 

ANP Keller patted her shoulder and said, “I’ll be right back. We’ll do the pee test, and then I’ll give you the pill and the vaccine.”

When ANP Keller was gone, Hannah leaned back as far as she could on the exam table, wishing she knew how to adjust it so she could lie flat. Her cheeks felt tight like she was going to throw up, but she told herself sternly that she was going to do no such thing.

She couldn’t keep track of her thoughts. There were too many of them all at once. Sierra would want to know everything, and Dylan would want to know why she hadn’t told ANP Keller to call the cops since he already thought she should tell her parents. 

Why didn’t you? A voice in her head said.

I can’t, she answered herself. I’ll get grounded and probably Mrs. Marino will kick me off the SADD leadership team because even going to a party like that is the opposite of what officers should do.

That was only half of it too. She didn’t trust the cops to believe her. They might think she was just embarrassed about getting high and having sex that she regretted now and was making the whole thing up, and wasn’t it illegal for her to even go to this kind of party? Couldn’t they write her a ticket or maybe even arrest her? Besides, nobody knew for sure she hadn’t wanted to have sex, did they? So, what if she called it rape and it turned out it wasn’t?

But you were drugged, the voice in her head said. You heard ANP Keller, you couldn’t consent.

Hannah breathed in sharply, afraid again she was going to puke. She felt like there was a war going on inside her head between the quiet girl that her friends called Mouse and another girl who was so mad she wanted to trash the exam room. Mouse was crying that she was scared of telling the cops and that she wanted to forget the party ever happened. At the same time, Hannah was screaming that what happened to her was wrong and she wanted to do something about it.

Hannah breathed in and out, trying to keep the puke at bay, trying to decide. She put her hand over her stomach. What if I’m pregnant? I can’t stay quiet then, can I?

That was the answer. It was the only one that made sense.

If she wasn’t pregnant, no one besides Sierra and Dylan would have to know she’d even been attacked this way, and she could just go on as if nothing had happened. 

No police report, she told herself firmly, ignoring the other voice in her head that said she was a coward. Not unless I’m pregnant because then I don’t have a choice.

The pukey feeling went away and not a second too soon either because ANP Keller was opening the door. 

She said, “I need to do the pee test first so that the medication doesn’t contaminate the results.”

“Okay,” Hannah said. She felt numb like she was just going through the motions, but at the same time, she felt good about having made a decision. Now all she had to do was hope the pill she was going to take in a minute worked so that nothing messed up her plan.